ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
