drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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