Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
