pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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