You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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