youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
