i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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