if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
