mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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