Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
