naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm passing your future prison.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
