I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
