his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
