The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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