Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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