mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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