i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
