I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
