So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
