Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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