Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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