the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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