just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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