At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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