all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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