he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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