I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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