Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
