I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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