My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
