Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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