you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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