Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
