Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
