just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
