Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she told me i tasted like america
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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