I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
