A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
