I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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