On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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