I'm going to jail i love you
this beer tastes like vomit already
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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