I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
