That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
