well you can't waste a boner
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We had sex on a dog bed..
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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