If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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