Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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