Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need a burrito and a hug.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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