duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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