i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
