im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
