the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
